Delete Me

To all the girls I’ve loved before, who’ve traveled in and out my door…

Dedicated to all the girls I’ve loved, f*&ked, kissed, fingerbanged, casually dated, seriously dated, sorta hung out with, groped, ate out, went out on one date with and never called back, freaked at a club, got head from, etc… Please, do us both a favor and delete my cell number.

I’m not gonna pick up and shoot the sh*t with you. Your text messages ain’t cute. You’re probably just being yourself and the real you must annoy the crap outta me. Please move on and leave me the f*&k alone.

I’m sure there are a lot of you out there who have men or women from your past, and that’s where they need to stay, in your past! Don’t get me wrong, there might be some females that you used to mess around with that you are actually still cool to kick it with once in a while. I’m not talking about those types. I’m talking about the ones that you are officially done with. The ones that you honestly don’t give a f*&k about. These are people who do not contribute a damn thing in your life. You gotta cut off those dead branches. All lines of communication must be severed.

Here are a few examples:

The one date and you’re done girl. You may have met her while you were at club drunk off your a$$ and the beer goggles were strapped on. Everything you spit was gold and you exchanged them digits. You parted ways and the night ended with you and your boy debating who’s gonna drive back home cuz both of y’all were beyond faded. A couple days pass, you dial that number and make plans to kick it on the weekend. When you pick her up for said date, you’re thinking, is this the same chick I met? I coulda swore she was cute at the club. Yeah, you’re basically stuck. Better make this a quick date while spending minimal money. You go watch a movie so you’re not forced to talk too much and so you don’t have to face her. You give the “I’ll call you later” line knowing damn well you don’t ever want to see her again. You delete her number before you start your car.

The Ex. The two of you went out for a while and things were great. For some reason things didn’t work out and you went your separate ways. You have mutual friends so you run into him/her at social functions. You remain cordial and catch up every time you cross paths. Now, you may have been the dumped or the dumpee in the relationship. Either way those digits have got to be deleted. One of you doesn’t feel that the relationship is ‘officially’ over and can still be salvaged while the other is on some we-can-still-be-friends steez. Kill all that noise. Hell no, you can’t still be friends with your ex. Cut those ties. If you were the one that got dumped and you think things can spark up again, go for it. Once you get rejected again, you’ll have your closure and be mentally ready to move on. Dumper — delete that number as not to give any false hope. Dumpee — destroy anything that reminds you of your former significant other.

The Psycho-Crazy-Girl. Y’all hooked up, everything was cool and she gave it up without hesitation, but that pu**y had a price tag. Not monetarily though, cuz you can’t put a price on your freedom. She seemed a little “off” at first, but it was tolerable cuz she had “the good power u.” As time went by, she got more clingy. She would inquire where you are at all times. Phone bills are checked. Email accounts were hacked into. She’s eavesdropping on voicemails and shows up unexpectedly at your job. The main reason you put up with this bull sh*t was that ill na-na. As the saying goes, “crazy in the head, crazy in bed.” This might very well be the hardest number to delete, but it must be done. There’s no future with this crazy bitch. You’ll probably have to change your number, get a PO Box, and move from your current residence. You may have to stop going to your regular hang outs and in extreme circumstances you might need to obtain a restraining order. As Lee Dorsey said, “Get out my life, woman.”

Now, some of you may hold on to that cell number knowing that you’ll never use it. You like to keep it handy in case that crazy-psycho-ex calls you so you can spot it on your caller id. That shouldn’t be necessary. If you don’t recognize that number, then don’t answer. If it’s a local number and you’re not sure if it’s that psycho or one of your homies with a new cell, let that shit go to voicemail. Your friends will leave a message.

So to everyone still holding onto those cell numbers you never use anymore, delete that sh*t now. You never know when you’re gonna leave the bar one night feeling lonely and intoxicated and in the mood to do some late night drunk-dialing.