ALMOST AS BAD AS ED HARDY SH*T

I know everyone has their own sense of style but god damn I would never rock this sh*t!  Is it me or are these dudes just trying to hard to get noticed.  It’s working because I am noticing that this shit looks hideous.  Call me a hater or whatever it maybe but come on yall.  YOU GUYS JUST LOOK LIKE WIERDOS!!  Tight ass shorts or pants with loafers, cardigans and the same hat?  Yall look like a lost boy band.  Are you guys cold or hot with the cardigan/shorts look?  Oh yeah…if you do like what they are rocking go to Brooklyn Circus and you too can look like you came out of a Circus!  I think they have a store in San Francisco and Brooklyn?  If they have a store in Brooklyn I would be pissed if i was a Brooklynite!  That is not a good look!!  SO GET THE F*&K OUTTA HERE WITH THAT BULLSHIT!!!

Keep it up!

Big ups to all my “special” facebook “friends.” You know who you are. The ones who do the status updates dropping the subtle AND not -so-subtle hints that you are in desperate need of a significant other. Yes, we get it, you are lonely and are using another social networking site to let everyone know that you are single and ready to mingle. You might as well join match.com or eHarmony or any of those other sites that specialize in that sort of thing, but no, you think those sites are a last resort. Guess what, broadcasting that you need help “trying to get a girl’s attention” or that you are in your “selfish stage and don’t wanna have kids unless Mr. Right comes along” reeks of more desperation than joining a dating site. With a dating site, at least you can say that you are too busy with your career to go out and meet people on a regular basis.  I mean, that’s actually a plausible excuse for being single nowadays.  When you let all 368 of your “friends” on facebook know about your single status three times a day, every day, you can’t use the “I’m too busy” excuse cuz you constantly check your account to see if someone commented on your status, then you comment again, and go back and forth to no avail. You also post pics of all the parties you go out to OR any other social event your a$$ is going out to, but not meeting people. You broadcast so much that your “desperation odor” is more like a repellent for potential mates.

Here’s an actual status update I read (name has been changed, but might as well be the dude’s new nickname):

Joe Virgin is “what the f*&ck do I gotta do to get a girl’s attention?!?!?! Blaaaahhhhhhh!!!!”

Seriously, someone ACTUALLY WROTE THAT SHIT and NO, this person is not in high school (I think he’s a college grad and currently a working stiff). What followed next was a bunch of his “friends” dropping comments, some were trying to help the poor-no-game-having-lovable-loser, but most of  the comments were clowning on him. It was mildly entertaining, cuz most of the people who thought they wrote a funny/witty comment, actually fell short (we all can’t be funny, but thanks for trying).

Here’s another one my homie copy and pasted in an email she sent to me, it’s from one of those Random 25 Facts:

“i’m still in what i call my “selfish” phase aka “i’m not ready to be a wife and mom” phase! however, if the right man were to come along, i just might break free from this “phase” “

WOW! Are you serious? Was it your attention to drive off guys by telling them that once the two of you hook up, it’s time to start a family? Nothing scares off guys quicker than commitment. HAHA! I guess you don’t waste any time.

So to all those who post stupid shit about your pathetic lives on the internet under your real names, keep it up. It will eventually come into my hands and I will laugh my a$$ off. Everyone needs a good laugh every now and then and it’s always funny when it is at someone else’s expense. Even more so when we know that person.

What’s in a name?

Your name. It’s one of the ways people identify you. You name alone can be associated with a wild act you committed, determine if you are a punk-ass bitch, or if you are not to be f*&ked with. It is synonymous with your reputation.

Make one false move and your career can end. Pee-Wee Herman aka Paul Reubens is known for indecent exposure first and a beloved Saturday morning TV character second. His career hasn’t been the same since. Barry Bonds will forever be linked with the Balco scandal before his title of home run king. Michael Jackson = weirdo pervert.. Muhammad Ali = G.O.A.T. The list goes on and on.

Marlo, the character from the critically acclaimed show The Wire, knew the importance of his name. Unbeknownst to Marlo, the neighborhood stick up kid Omar had returned to West B’more calling out the drug kingpin to avenge the murder of his friend. While Marlo’s cohorts kept the news to themselves, as not to have Marlo rattled with such trivial things, Marlo erupted when he found out that someone had been “calling him out in the streets.” He understood that any blow to his reputation meant that he was falling off and that the next man could be lurking and strategize to take him down. Your name must be maintained at all times.

In the world of Hip Hop, your name is everything. Back in the day (pre-internet and mp3s), an established rapper can drop an album with minimal marketing and promotion and still generate sales. Produce a dope debut LP, establish your fan base and they will cop the next album with minimal radio airplay. Hip Hop fans are loyal as opposed to your average r&b fan who has to actually listen to an artist’s next album before purchasing it.

Maintain your rep, cuz you’re only as dope as your next hit. Also, make sure no one jacks your name, cuz there’s a sign at the door, “No Biting Allowed.”

YOU DON’T LIKE TO EAT THAT?

Then G.T.F.O.H.W.T.B.S!!!!!!  whatever food that was put in front of me as a child I ate it.  No questions asked!  So therefore I’m not a picky eater.  I will eat anything that is edible and NO! I won’t eat dog or cat or anything obscure like that.  But seriously I can’t stand picky eaters.  I can understand if your vegan or whatever and that’s fine.  But this goes out to the people who say they can’t stand food that looks weird when in reality it tastes so good.  Especially the people who can’t stand there own peoples food.  Yall are seriously missing out.  Everything isn’t all just meat and potatoes or just greens.  You need to explore and eat other ethnic foods.  I know a bunch of people who don’t eat certain Chinese dishes because they think it looks gross…..G.T.F.O.H.W.T.B.S!!!!  I really blame their parents because they probably didn’t force these idiots to eat what was on the dinner table. And probably gave them whatever they wanted (mom I don’t like that there are to many greens in there, i want pizza). One suggestion is to try the food before you hate on it. Actually no need to even do that…it leaves more food for me. So before you get upset with me on this entry. Look at yourself in the mirror and smash your head on it. Because you are seriously missing out on good food you bastards!

There’s no WE in TEAM

Ever hang out with a bunch of sports fans discussing their favorite team? They’re the die hard fans that know their team’s history, read up on all the trade rumors, and discuss all the faults made during the draft. Ever notice that when talking about their respective team they say WE?

“We gotta draft a some offensive line players.”

“We gotta start playing the rookies more, they need the experience.”

“We gotta get rid of that defensive coach. His style isn’t working.”

Get the f*&k outta here with that bullsh*t! You are not part of the team. You are not a part of the coaching staff. Sheeeeeit, you’re not even part of the concession stand staff. You ain’t having lunch meetings with upper management discussing possible trades with eastern conference teams. No matter how many team jerseys you have or how many rare bobble-heads or player autographs you have, YOU ARE NOT PART OF THE TEAM. You may have been down with the Cubs since the 60′s or been following the Lakers when they they were still in Minnesota, but please refrain from using the word “we” when discussing your favorite team. You’re making yourself look like an a$$ every time you do.

My second GTFOHWTBS pet peeve for sports are those bandwagon fans, especially the females. Every time I check facebook on my freakin’ crackberry, there are constant real time updates on the current game and most of them are from girls who are trying to be down. The majority of the girls are single and are trying to give off that “yeah, I’m down with said team that all my guy friends are rooting for.” Bi@tch please, you went to your first Cavs game during the 2007—08 season. You’re not knowing about the Mark Price days or the defensive prowess of Craig Ehlo. I drove the f*&kin bandwagon you jumped on. Stop acting like a dude. Do you know the kind of people you’re gonna attract by liking sports and trying to be down with the fellas? You’re gonna attract lesbians. Or rapists. Or worst of all, jocks! Be yourself. If you like watching bull sh*t shows like “The City” or “The Hills” or whatever crap is on MTV nowadays, then do it. But don’t front like you’re down with what a guy is into just to get his attention. Guys can smell your B.S. a mile away.

Besides, we don’t wanna watch the game with your a$$ anyway.

Delete Me

To all the girls I’ve loved before, who’ve traveled in and out my door…

Dedicated to all the girls I’ve loved, f*&ked, kissed, fingerbanged, casually dated, seriously dated, sorta hung out with, groped, ate out, went out on one date with and never called back, freaked at a club, got head from, etc… Please, do us both a favor and delete my cell number.

I’m not gonna pick up and shoot the sh*t with you. Your text messages ain’t cute. You’re probably just being yourself and the real you must annoy the crap outta me. Please move on and leave me the f*&k alone.

I’m sure there are a lot of you out there who have men or women from your past, and that’s where they need to stay, in your past! Don’t get me wrong, there might be some females that you used to mess around with that you are actually still cool to kick it with once in a while. I’m not talking about those types. I’m talking about the ones that you are officially done with. The ones that you honestly don’t give a f*&k about. These are people who do not contribute a damn thing in your life. You gotta cut off those dead branches. All lines of communication must be severed.

Here are a few examples:

The one date and you’re done girl. You may have met her while you were at club drunk off your a$$ and the beer goggles were strapped on. Everything you spit was gold and you exchanged them digits. You parted ways and the night ended with you and your boy debating who’s gonna drive back home cuz both of y’all were beyond faded. A couple days pass, you dial that number and make plans to kick it on the weekend. When you pick her up for said date, you’re thinking, is this the same chick I met? I coulda swore she was cute at the club. Yeah, you’re basically stuck. Better make this a quick date while spending minimal money. You go watch a movie so you’re not forced to talk too much and so you don’t have to face her. You give the “I’ll call you later” line knowing damn well you don’t ever want to see her again. You delete her number before you start your car.

The Ex. The two of you went out for a while and things were great. For some reason things didn’t work out and you went your separate ways. You have mutual friends so you run into him/her at social functions. You remain cordial and catch up every time you cross paths. Now, you may have been the dumped or the dumpee in the relationship. Either way those digits have got to be deleted. One of you doesn’t feel that the relationship is ‘officially’ over and can still be salvaged while the other is on some we-can-still-be-friends steez. Kill all that noise. Hell no, you can’t still be friends with your ex. Cut those ties. If you were the one that got dumped and you think things can spark up again, go for it. Once you get rejected again, you’ll have your closure and be mentally ready to move on. Dumper — delete that number as not to give any false hope. Dumpee — destroy anything that reminds you of your former significant other.

The Psycho-Crazy-Girl. Y’all hooked up, everything was cool and she gave it up without hesitation, but that pu**y had a price tag. Not monetarily though, cuz you can’t put a price on your freedom. She seemed a little “off” at first, but it was tolerable cuz she had “the good power u.” As time went by, she got more clingy. She would inquire where you are at all times. Phone bills are checked. Email accounts were hacked into. She’s eavesdropping on voicemails and shows up unexpectedly at your job. The main reason you put up with this bull sh*t was that ill na-na. As the saying goes, “crazy in the head, crazy in bed.” This might very well be the hardest number to delete, but it must be done. There’s no future with this crazy bitch. You’ll probably have to change your number, get a PO Box, and move from your current residence. You may have to stop going to your regular hang outs and in extreme circumstances you might need to obtain a restraining order. As Lee Dorsey said, “Get out my life, woman.”

Now, some of you may hold on to that cell number knowing that you’ll never use it. You like to keep it handy in case that crazy-psycho-ex calls you so you can spot it on your caller id. That shouldn’t be necessary. If you don’t recognize that number, then don’t answer. If it’s a local number and you’re not sure if it’s that psycho or one of your homies with a new cell, let that shit go to voicemail. Your friends will leave a message.

So to everyone still holding onto those cell numbers you never use anymore, delete that sh*t now. You never know when you’re gonna leave the bar one night feeling lonely and intoxicated and in the mood to do some late night drunk-dialing.

WHO THE F&*K DRESSED YOU?

Question: Who wears ED HARDY and AFFLICTION gear? <one hundred buff dudes raise their hand high>  If you rock this piece of shit you are just like those two guys above ^ IDIOTS!  Seriously what makes you think that these two brands are fresh?  Cuz in my book you look borderline homo.  Hmm,  dudes who wear this shit probably get there eye-brows plucked and get there nails done.  From what I see around the way are only a few type of dudes wearing this wack shit.  Buff dudes and White dudes.  It makes perfect sense tho.  Because Buff dudes don’t know how to dress!  They are too busy in the gym looking at themselves in the mirror and are used to wearing gym gear which means when they see AFFLICTION and ED HARDY they automatically think to themselves ” THIS IS THAT NEW HOTNESS!”  I don’t even have to explain why some white dudes wear this stuff you guys should already know the deal.  Oh and what makes you think that just because you got the matching hats and matching shoes make you hot shit?  When in reality you look like a chick.  Because I swear woman brands started all the sparkle shit on there clothes.  So dudes please just leave it to the chicks to have the bling all over there t-shirts and hats.  Yall just look plain stupid.   This goes to all the dudes that like wearing this crap.  GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT BULL SHIT!

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WHATS THAT SMELL?

This is a shout out (not in a good way) to the woman out there with that stank ass vagina. Please wash that Cat of yours!! Soap and water should work. And if not isn’t there some sort of product called SUMMERS EVE that makes your nappy dugout smell better. I mean come on, yall like getting that dugout eaten, right? Then do us men a favor and please clean down there. Its not a good thing when I am down there going to work and I have to hold my breath because of the horrid stench that is making me want to puke inside that pussy of yours. That’s gross right? Well damn that would be considered your fault! I am a rare breed of men out there that actually like chomping and licking that feline of yours but if it smells like I just took a shit. I will have to pass. Because we all know that shit stinks! You know whats the worst though….its when you have a girlfriend that has a smelly ass twat. How do you tell the woman that you MAY LOVE down the line that she has a “Dick sharpener” that is rancid? The answer, YOU DON’T! Because in reality you still want to sex that thing up. Its a win/lose situation. We/fellas get to bust that nut but still have to overcome that smell. Hey don’t get me wrong though, I’ve had pussy that smells and taste so good that you just want to “wife” her right after your first taste and smell of that vagina because you don’t want anyone else to have a taste of that.

So ladies, are you pissed because I just attacked yall. Well don’t.. lets just call it payback. How many times have I heard from lady friends of mines these phrases, ” One Min man”, ” I faked it”, ” He has a small penis” and so on. And the funny thing is, YOU WOMAN ARE BLUNT ABOUT IT! So yall don’t think we have feelings? I do have an answer for the whole “one min man” theory though, Maybe your “nanny” is just that good! But let me get back on track..To that “personal garbage can” of yours. Bring on the hate woman, because you don’t know who is writing this.  And if you do know who this is, Then don’t even worry about it.  I ENJOYED YOUR PUSSY!

so ladies with that stank ass twat that can kill flowers once the stench hits the petals..G.T.F.O.H.W.T.B.S

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THE INTRODUCTION

When reading this blog you will get the truth and nothing but the truth.  We speak our mind to the fullest! And if you don’t like what you read, then G.T.F.O.H.W.T.B.S!!!!  Its as easy as that.  This blog has two writers and we as writers we are gonna (as they say it in the streets) KEEP IT REAL.  Were gonna tell you how we feel and what we think about certain subjects.  We may hurt feelings, irk people, upset people but in all reality WE DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK!  So welcome readers to this new blog that you may love to hate, in return we HATE YOU BACK…… till then…GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THE BULLSHIT…

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